11/21/11 The day we lost you.

Draft from 11/21/11- you were spending the day with your sister, nana and papa. all was good until nana decided to take a trip to Michaels's and you wanted a birdhouse. nana didn't know but you and papa spoke about wanting to build a birdhouse and you were determined to get one. she told you no and you ran. you ran out the door all the way across the shopping center into another shopping center. nana called me, i was at work she said her worst nightmare has actually come true. you had run away from her and she couldn't find you. i told her to call the police and i left work, i cant remember the thoughts running through my head. i can however remember begging God not to let anything happen to you and to keep you safe. i drove like crazy and the whole way there i had my car window down, i was yelling for you. after i parked i looked around and saw people shopping, people walking and people getting in there cars and i remember screaming in my head "please don't take my baby!" i thought someone snatched you up and took you from me. finally the sheriff arrived, it seemed like eternity and i had already combed the surrounding stores and for some reason i kept going over to riverbed behind the stores thinking you went that way. the sheriff made me stay by them and they kept asking questions about you what you were wearing, where would you go, could you cross the street on your own? i kept telling them if you are scared you won't come out of hiding. you would be afraid to be in trouble. the realization that you were gone came when the sheriff helicopter flew overhead. that...was...hard.

auntie Amy was there along with pastor Joe, Kim papa, nana and heck even MJ from cheer was driving by and stopped when she saw me. i asked auntie Amy to go to our house and wait there just in case you had walked home, 4 blocks, 3 stop lights, 2 bad neighborhoods, dozens of cars, and many people away. she went and she found you in our back yard. you had squeezed your little 45 pound frame through the fence and you were waiting there, probably still mad about not getting a birdhouse, but you were there. i was still wanting to run from the gathering of sheriffs, i wanted to run and find you. i heard auntie Amy yelling from the street, she yelled to me she had you and for some odd reason i couldn't believe her, my mind was playing tricks on me. i heard the sheriff say wait to stop the search until we confirm it is him. it was you. sitting there in her back seat not wanting to come out, i ran to the car wringing my hands i didn't know whether to spank you or hug you, i hugged you very very tight.

my life has forever been changed, i knew you had tried running before but never out of anyone's sight. i can't let myself think of all the ways i could have lost you, i went to bed last night thinking about what it would have been like if i had to go to bed without you safe and snug in yours.

The excerpt above was 3 years ago, my heart hurts just to read this, to bring back this memory.

You were 7 years old when I last wrote, feels like a lifetime. I was desperate for answers. You had just run from Nana at the store and she had to call the sheriff, they deployed the helicopter, they called all the units out to search for you. I though to for a second we would find you lifeless in a ditch, or even worse.

The week before this had been very hard, you had acted out in your critical special education class, you turned the whole class upside down, they had to move all the other kids to another class. The called me and I came, I walked in and just held you, and you let me.

I begged God to help me, help you, and we were reunited. At that very moment I knew I would do anything to change your path and that is exactly what we did, me, you and God.